Skillful means of handling divorce

[jbowen]

Howdy! I'm a tentative-buddhist secular type, who is in the midst of a breakup with a woman I love. Unfortunately, as I've discovered in our marital relationship, there were many unhealthy things hidden under the surface which have now surfaced and I realize that it will take many years for us to live without provoking considerable day to day anxiety in each other. We have both been compromising and distressing ourselves to make the relationship work -- I believe we are generating more unhappiness by being together than we would by being apart. Unfortunately, my wife does not feel this way, as she feels considerable anxiety at the thought of not being alone, and she based a lot of her self worth and well being in our relationship.

We're already separated, but not yet legally divorced (I just finished the paperwork, she needs to sign it), and we do want to retain our relationship in some form. However, I fear that she is clinging to the idea that we might get back together if she sticks around, and she is very much living in a reality in which she is a victim of being an inherently unlovable person. I know that many people say that I should divorce myself from the matter entirely, but I don't know that her social support network is close enough to her to understand her predicament, and in the breakup process it's been revealed to me that although she's gone through therapy in the past, her therapist explicitly stated that they "didn't understand" why she felt the way she did and proceeded to simply recommend her to a psychiatrist for medication and ask her how her mood was on an ongoing basis.

I know that getting too involved in this process could prove detrimental to her, but I want to act compassionately in a way that will help her to find the ability to relieve her own suffering. I want to plant the seed for happiness and contentment in her, and my idea generation towards that end is limited. I'm hoping some older and wiser folks could chime in on, perhaps, what helped them to discover a way to relative self-satisfaction, ideally in a way that a former spouse could help them to achieve it. Note that she is a nominal Christian and a very high anxiety person by nature.

I understand, of course, that just about every situation is unique, but I also understand that no situation is especially unique. I'm just looking to use the internet hivemind of skillful ideas to see if there's some approach I might take to this which I might not come up with on my own.

Also, hi, folks!

[Element]

hi J

your inquiry here is a difficult one

Buddhism contains no explicit teachings about divorce. however, Buddhism does encourage a husband & wife to be faithful to each other and, if they wish to maintain a lasting relationship, cultivate certain qualities

Buddha taught to maintain a successful marriage requires continual mutual training (dama) in self-improvement & suitable qualities

otherwise, Buddha taught where either or both a husband & wife are lacking in virtue, i.e., do not follow the five precepts, then their marriage will be problematic and often doomed for failure

some Buddhist teachings about marriage are at this link: http://www.budsir.org/Part2_3.htm#13

****

Buddha did highlight it is generally the goal of a woman to secure a lasting & loyal husband

“A man, O brahmin, is a woman’s aim, her quest is for adornments, her mainstay is sons, her desire is to be without a co-wife and her ideal is domination.”

AN 6.52

i think this sentiment is best summed up in the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, when he said: "If a man divorces a woman, apart for reasons of her committing adultery, he forces her to commit adultery".

what this means is a woman generally needs a husband & develops a strong bond with her husband and, if a husband divorces her, against her true will, she must look for another husband, which she does not really want to do. thus she, in her own perception, commits adultery

i think a lot of honesty here is required by both parties

that your wife perceives herself as an "inherently unlovable person" is a very common symptom in such circumstances

it is essential you remove from your wife the perception that she is inherently unlovable person.

if your wife has not done anything intrinsically wrong, i.e., transgress the five precepts, then your leaving her can create in her the perception that she is inherently unlovable person because she will have no grounds to perceive why you are divorcing her

for example, if your wife committed adultery or gambled away your wealth then she would clearly understand the grounds why you are divorcing her

thus, if no self-evident grounds exist for divorce, it is essential for you to create the perception in her that it is you that is inherently an unloving person. here, a compassionate thing you can do for your wife is tell her you do not have the inherent qualities to be a good husband

if no self-evident grounds exist for divorce, it is essential you remove from your wife the perception that she is inherently unlovable person &, apologetically & sympathetically, take the faults upon yourself

the Dalai Lama explains:

In brief, may I offer benefit and joy
To all my mothers, both directly and indirectly,
May I quietly take upon myself
All hurts and pains of my mothers.

Training the Mind: Verse 7

kind regards

element

[Element]

I want to plant the seed for happiness and contentment in her...to discover a way to relative self-satisfaction...

To add, in my opinion, your hope here is unrealistic. Buddha did not teach all beings are able to find the happiness & contentment of spiritual aloneness. Your wife's dispositional idea of happiness & contentment is probably to have a husband.

When I was a teenager/young adult, I had a girlfriend who loved me very deeply but I left her due to my gross discontentment with life. Soon after, I found peace & happiness in Buddhism & meditation. However, despite my efforts to help her, with similar ideas to your's, she suffered for many years.

It was only, much later, when I realised deeply everything she gave to my life's development & I felt deeply obligated to her, was I able to set her heart free & at ease. Although she was married then, it was very important to her that I honoured to her her perception of her giving of her heart, devotion, care & loyalty to me.

Generally, a woman wants to give love & be loved. Thus, your ideals about her finding Nirvana are not realistic.

Kind regards

Element

[jbowen]

Interesting...these were both very helpful and insightful posts.

Everything you two have said does resonate with my understanding of the world.

The truth of the matter is, I do lack many of the qualities required to be the ideal loving husband, and my wife does lack many of the qualities necessary to be the ideal loving wife. The truth of the matter is, I am taking an action which in many ways reflects poorly on the relationship skills of both of us, though it largely indicated the general state of distress I was in at the time of initiating the divorce process. I am in somewhat better condition now, in no small part thanks to the beginnings of a Buddhist practice.

I find myself in a dilemma. My wife will likely never fully recover from the divorce, and it will leave a psychological toll on me, as well. It will also cause distress to our families and many of our friends. Furthermore, because of my prior and current conditioning, I could see myself easily slipping into a state of nihilism in a moment of weakness going down the route of divorce. There are no small risks involved.

If I stay, however, I will always be wanting to go. The relationship hasn't felt right for a long time, and I suspect that limits on our mutual adaptability will leave us both in distress. It seems to me that by getting married young, before understanding myself and the way I work better, I have placed myself in a conundrum in which there simply are no good options -- one will generate considerable pain and distrust which will slowly heal over time, but will take many years, and the other will continually generate malcontent, anxiety, and regret. This is quite a pickle, and definitely demonstrates what taking action and making promises recklessly can do.

[Element]

My wife will likely never fully recover from the divorce...

In my experience, this is a major issue. I have seen this many times. The biological (reproductive instinct) bonding of the female is often very strong. Thus, all of the symptoms of heavy dukkha (suffering) Buddha explained related to separation from the loved and sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief & despair. In short, depression. Your wife is already going for the psychiatric medication, which is indicative of her coping skills. Even when women leave men, they often cannot cope with the emptiness of aloneness & not being connected to a person they love.

This is the suffering of worldly love. Buddha himself had little praise for worldly love (eg. here & here).

It will also cause distress to our families and many of our friends.

If family & friends can support your wife, with empathy, that is good. It sounds like her counsellor did not have much empathy.

The relationship hasn't felt right for a long time, and I suspect that limits on our mutual adaptability will leave us both in distress.

Buddha taught mutual adaptability in marriage is important (here).

It seems to me that by getting married young, before understanding myself and the way I work better, I have placed myself in a conundrum in which there simply are no good options

Possibly. As I commented, previously, your inquiry here is a difficult one. Unlike other religions, Buddhism is focused on the development of the individual rather than deludedly hoping to create an impossible perfect society, thereby holding marriage as 'sacred'.

Buddhism encourages each person to learn to have real love towards themselves. Thus your wife will have to go beyond biological hormonal instinct. But this is not easy.

All of my close friends are women, who have generally latched onto me after their divorces. Despite being the typical educated Western women, their hormonal urges & needs do not change much. My best friend, despite her years of suffering & opposition of her family, has recently returned to her ex-husband after his misadventures did not work out for him.

-- one will generate considerable pain and distrust which will slowly heal over time, but will take many years, and the other will continually generate malcontent, anxiety, and regret. This is quite a pickle, and definitely demonstrates what taking action and making promises recklessly can do.

"Recklessly" is an accurate assessment; "not-knowing" (avicca). (But this is often difficult for the aggrieved party to accept). In Buddhism, the foremost dhamma is the contrary to recklessness, namely, heedfulness. Buddha praised heedfulness more than any other quality.

Although Buddhism encourages non-harming & compassion towards others, it ultimately encourages the development of the individual. I can only wish you the best in your understanding yourself better & finding personal peace.

With metta

[jbowen]

Although Buddhism encourages non-harming & compassion towards others, it ultimately encourages the development of the individual. I can only wish you the best in your understanding yourself better & finding personal peace.

Although I understand this, I have also through meditation and reflection experienced/understood the illusory nature of self, and realized that if I care about preventing suffering, it makes sense to care about preventing ALL suffering, because it is not the 'self' that is suffering, but rather that suffering is a thought that is arising and falling based off of conditioned behavior. 'I' am not suffering, 'I' is a thought -- the suffering will be stored in memories and ultimately fade away with this body. I learned metta through Christianity at a young age, and although I gave up Christianity, a desire to remove suffering and bring about acceptance and happiness to the world hasn't left.

I suppose this is the conondrum. I'm inside the ego tunnel, but I've seen the cracks of it. I recognize that the suffering of my wife is in no way different from my suffering, the suffering of her family is in no way different from my suffering, and so on. This is the challenge, for me. I am frustrated because I can see and feel the pain of others, but my impulses and desires are still so strong...and I must admit I still have an egocentric view of suffering on some level; my wife's suffering may be no different from mine, and I truly know and unouderstand that, and I see that if I give up all of my delusions, her suffering will be just one piece of suffering in a vast world of suffering, and will lose significance. I am attached to alleviating her suffering because she is near me. I see that if I overcome my ego boundaries enough to sublimate my anxiety, regret, or resentment and make her happy, I will have to overcome them to the extent that her suffering will also hold no particular weight over anyone else's suffering. So my desire and attachment to alleviating her suffering leads me in a direction which will likely draw me away from addressing her suffering specifically.

I think this is dukkha, right here. Agh.

Thankfully, I'm feeling fairly at peace at the moment and can have this moment of calm reflection.