How do I stop being self-concious?

[JDW]

I'm extremely self-conscious about my appearance because I have a very low confidence with how I look and how others view me and judge me. I get many negative thoughts that go through my head all the time when I'm in public, it’s at its worse when I'm on a train sitting in front of others or when I'm getting onto a bus believing that everyone is looking at me and judging me. Even when I walk down the street and someone is walking in my direction or a car is headed in my direction, my mind is always worrying about what they think of me, complete strangers!

For example, I’m on a 30 minute train journey if I don’t have a book then I spend the entire journey a nervous wreck, unsure where to look and if I look weird or if I’m this or that etc. I avoid moving my body because I’m so full of fear and nervousness and I’m licking my lips because they’re so dry and my mind is going through 100s of different thoughts, all negative. I can see the uncomforting aura and looks in the other people I’m around and that just make things twice as worse. Minute after minute it gets worse and worse and I know that I’m in a situation that is completely harmless yet I’m still panicking!

By the time I get off the train I’m so drained and happy that I’m out of that situation but I feel no better or confident about tackling it, it just makes my fear that much worse. That is just one example on the train but the rest are very similar, walking on the street and going the shops etc. It stops me from being myself; I avoid walking a certain way or looking in a certain direction or doing anything that I feel might cause ridicule from others when 9.9 times out of 10 it wouldn't. In fact I know that by trying to impress others or hide away my true self only causes suffering and makes a problem whereas by being myself and not trying to impress others there is no problem to begin with.

Intellectually I know that by hiding my true self, being unconfident, avoiding eye contact, staring at the ground and having these negative self-conscious thoughts all the time I am causing myself so much suffering, I know it’s all an illusion and yet day after day I do it and do it again. I can see people avoiding me because of it and I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t want to be around someone who shows these symptoms all the time. It makes me listening and focusing skills sink to the ground, causing plenty of problems because I always end up asking twice on instructions given to me etc. All because I’m thinking this entire negative stuff whilst at the same time trying to listen and take in information.

How do I stop looking inwardly and worrying about how I look every second of the day when I’m out and about and start focusing. I bring this up now as I’m going away for a new career next month and I want to overcome this self-conscious state I’m in. I must mention that I've been unemployed for some months which has caused a lot of isolation which has lead to unconfidence in myself among other things. Apologies for it being so long but I want to get as much information out so I can get some advice that may change my life for the better. I’m a beginner Buddhist with some theory knowledge on Buddhism but very little practical knowledge on implanting Buddhist views and techniques in everyday life. I believe Buddhism can seriously help me and my problem.

[JDW]

Apologies on lack of paragraphs, I did post it with paragraphs but it no longer has them! Editing does not give me the option to edit the text either. Please bare with it, thank you.

[jarrah]

Hi JDW, i think we've all felt like that to some degree at times. I suggest to just say to yoursrlf, "There's that feeling again. Don't try to push it away or run from it. Instead just feel it. If it's too uncomfortable, bring your attention to your the breath and watch the breath (don't try to control it) and stay aware of the feeling until it passes. When you are able, try to "be" the judgemental, snobby, or disgusted person who is looking at you, I think you will see their ignorance and actually be glad you don't feel like they do about people. I think you will see their attitudes cause them suffering. I think that if you try to "be" others, you might also see there are compassionate, friendly peope who are not judging at all.
I wish you much happiness.

[JDW]

Thanks jarah, wise words.

[Aloka]

Hi JDW,

Instead of focusing on what other people might be thinking about you... when in truth their minds are probably absorbed in whatever is happening in their own lives...... how about doing some metta practice and mentally radiating loving kindness and goodwill towards all beings instead ?

This 5 minute Metta Meditation instruction is from Ajahn Jayasaro's Buddhist Meditation series on You Tube. It's something that you can practice at home every day and it might help you to develop a more peaceful mental state.



With kind wishes

Aloka


PS

I'm not sure why you can't put paragraphs in your posts - and when you click on 'edit post' you should be able to edit it within a 12 hour time limit.

I will send a message to Woodscooter about it.

[lucid365]

Hi jdw,yeah I was shy from a kid,and I guess this developed into social anxiety so I get the same feelings as you,I find that they are at their weakest if I'm fully rested and have eaten well,I smoke ciggerettes also which I'm battling to give up,but the ciggerettes seem to add to my social anxieity,I stopped smoking for 5 months and it kind of gave me an edge on the anxiety not taking over,I get mine in waves,for some reason be introduced to someone new or walking past a colleague to say hello triggers my anxiety,it's only people I know that I'm affected by lol,I'm fine with strangers mostly as they don't know that I have it ,

so for me what's helps is well fed,well rested(sleep)no alcohol,but still I cannot shake off the anxiety 100 percent but it's not to bad once I stick to these rules,

I'm meditating 2 years,have an activated 3rd eye,recently I forgot the form and sensation skanda which made me forget my body and my being became everything,and I could make a thought even if I wanted to,but I lost the experience as it was my first time to experience that,
Nice to meet you

lucid365

[Aloka]

Hello again JDW,

Just as an addition to #5, it might be worthwhile to read this meditation booklet by Ajahn Sucitto and maybe try practising some of the instructions.

Excerpt:

Preliminaries

Why meditate?

If you’re reading this guide, maybe you’re curious as to why people meditate. Why do they sit still and upright in silence for long periods of time?What are they thinking about? Is it some kind of religion; if so, what do they believe in? Well, it may be that some meditators are deliberately thinking along certain lines; and some may have profound faith in a God or a Truth. But then again, it is possible to meditate without these. To put
it simply, what it all boils down to is finding peace of mind – within the mind itself. That the mind is the proper place for that search becomes evident when one acknowledges that, despite many technological,medical and social developments, humanity is profoundly stressed and troubled.

So, what are the roots of violence, selfishness and mistrust? Why, when we have so much in one sense, do we experience alienation and depression? And how do joy and compassion arise? These are some of the vital questions for which meditation may help you to discover personal answers.

What follows are guidelines on meditation that are in accordance with the teachings of the Buddha from some 2,500 years ago. The timeless quality of these teachings is such that they encourage us to look into states of discontent and stress in order to understand and remove the causes. The accomplishment of this is called ‘Enlightenment’ or
‘Awakening.’

However with even preliminary steps along the path to awakening, a meditator can clear out a lot of stuff in the mind that causes anxiety, depression, stress, and limits his or her happiness and personal understanding.

continued:

http://forestsanghapublications.org/...hn_Sucitto.pdf

[JDW]

Hi JDW,

Instead of focusing on what other people might be thinking about you... when in truth their minds are probably absorbed in whatever is happening in their own lives...... how about doing some metta practice and mentally radiating loving kindness and goodwill towards all beings instead ?

This 5 minute Metta Meditation instruction is from Ajahn Jayasaro's Buddhist Meditation series on You Tube. It's something that you can practice at home every day and it might help you to develop a more peaceful mental state.



With kind wishes

Aloka


PS

I'm not sure why you can't put paragraphs in your posts - and when you click on 'edit post' you should be able to edit it within a 12 hour time limit.

I will send a message to Woodscooter about it.

Hey Aloka, I will aim to bring loving-kindness into my life, it sounds promising but if I'm taking it up to benefit myself and to do battle with my negative thoughts is that not selfish? Would this loving-kindness I'm trying to radiate in my mind be fake because I'm doing it for my own benefit?

PS

When I went to edit, the first 5 seconds it showed me the entire text but after that it showed me the last line of the text and it was not editable.

Thank you Aloka, I've seen a couple other videos you brought to our attention and they really helped me, I will check this one out soon.

[JDW]

Hi jdw,yeah I was shy from a kid,and I guess this developed into social anxiety so I get the same feelings as you,I find that they are at their weakest if I'm fully rested and have eaten well,I smoke ciggerettes also which I'm battling to give up,but the ciggerettes seem to add to my social anxieity,I stopped smoking for 5 months and it kind of gave me an edge on the anxiety not taking over,I get mine in waves,for some reason be introduced to someone new or walking past a colleague to say hello triggers my anxiety,it's only people I know that I'm affected by lol,I'm fine with strangers mostly as they don't know that I have it ,

so for me what's helps is well fed,well rested(sleep)no alcohol,but still I cannot shake off the anxiety 100 percent but it's not to bad once I stick to these rules,

I'm meditating 2 years,have an activated 3rd eye,recently I forgot the form and sensation skanda which made me forget my body and my being became everything,and I could make a thought even if I wanted to,but I lost the experience as it was my first time to experience that,
Nice to meet you

lucid365

Hey lucid, I have social anxiety myself and I've been trying to overcome it for a few years now. I acutely found that I'm less anxious and worried when I'm tired and sort of in a dazy mood because of my tiredness I tend to adopt a "I don't care" attitude and a very relaxed sense. At the same time, looking back at my experiences I do agree that being well rested is probably more benfical because you can't be mentally tired all the time, that woud be very unhealthy. So its best to learn to defeat social anxiety in the healthy well rested state.

Its funny you mention cigarettes, I used to smoke and agree with you that it did make my anxiety worse. However it was always a lovely sense of safety and protection when I was headed out for a cigarette after going through an anxiety phrase. It sort of gave me 5 minutes to really just relax and let go.

I've heard little about this 3rd eye, I thought it was just a joke. What is it exactly?

I wish you all the best of luck in defeating your social anxiety and finally overcoming it once and for all. Thanks for your advice lucid.

[Aloka]

Hey Aloka, I will aim to bring loving-kindness into my life, it sounds promising but if I'm taking it up to benefit myself and to do battle with my negative thoughts is that not selfish? Would this loving-kindness I'm trying to radiate in my mind be fake because I'm doing it for my own benefit?

No, because if your mind has developed goodwill towards others and is more at ease then its for the benefit of everyone.