Frustrating situation with my Father, need help please

[JDW]

Hello I'm 19 and I'm living with my Father who causes anger, hate, paranoia, no compassion and self-pity to arise in myself. I can't be myself around him and I have trouble even being in the same room with him. I'm sure he intentionally tries to cause harm towards myself through his comments and actions which has been going on for at least 3 years now getting worser and worser every month. (Its nothing phsyical and not drug related)

Jealous, selfish, arrogant, big-headed, boastful, domineering, greedy, grumpy, inconsiderate, narrow-minded, obsessive, self-centred, vengeful and a hypocrite are some of his negative traits. That is genuinely what I see in him and more.

I'm going away in 4 weeks for a career change and won't be living at home again for a long time. I want to tackle this obstacle and overcome it once and for all. If I can't overcome this now, what happens if there is someone like this in my new career and I don't want to leave having this awful weight on my mind.

I've became a paranoid angry, hateful person which only shows when we're in the house together. Now these emotions are coming off onto my mum and sister and onto the outside world which is not fair. I'm sick of feeling self concious about what I'm saying and doing and because I'm around him so much, I'm restricting myself from being myself a lot of the time which is driving me insane and destroying my peace of mind. On top of that, I can't spend time with my sister and mum without him being there as he has these 4 weeks off work.

Please give me some guidance in this situation and please ask me for specifics on anything your uncertain on.

Thank you.

[Aloka]

..... and please ask me for specifics on anything your uncertain on.

Hello and welcome JDW.

Can I ask if you have any knowledge of Buddhist teachings and practice at all, or are you a complete beginner ?

with kind wishes,

Aloka

[Element]

Please give me some guidance in this situation and please ask me for specifics on anything your uncertain on.

hi JDW

you are 19 years old and soon leaving your family home. in my opinion, this is good because it will help you to develop yourself, i.e., your character, more

in my opinion, you may have more success developing a clearer perspective of your father & how you can relate/respond to him when there is more space between you and when you develop your character, individuality, self-reliance & life goals more

there are many fathers like yours; this is a normal thing

separation from your father may improve his sentiment towards you if he realises he misses you

but i think it is not urgent you tackle your relationship issues before you leave

as for your personal emotional state, the more you recognise (as you are doing) that these negatitve emotions are disturbing & harmful for your mind & your life, the more your mind will naturally want to be free of them and look for solutions to be free of them

you posting on this chatsite, despite our smallness, is a big step for you in the right direction, imo. Unlike your father, you are taking active steps to help & improve yourself

the more awareness & insight you have into these negative mental states, the more you will want to let them go & develop something better

kind regards

element

[Element]

what happens if there is someone like this in my new career...

to add

this is a valid consideration however, generally, our parents can push our buttons more than other people

as i suggest before, i think if you can grow as a person then this will help you

in buddhism, we grow by being with good people, by learning to do kind actions, by learning to let go of negative mind states, etc, so we can feel the happiness of love within our hearts

i would not speculate about the unknown future about meeting other people like your father because generally you can avoid them (where as, at home, it is difficult to avoid)

even in a new career, in a workplace, there are generally stronger rules of behaviour than in a family; so a work place is generally more safe

also, i wish you the very best for your new career

i think freedom from your home environment can help you to breathe, think & evolve more freely

[dcastrillonnhk]

I used to have the same problem with my father. Appart from what he did to make us "hate" him(me and also my sisters and even my mother), I was always thinking about what kind of revenges I could do to him and imagining things he could do to anger me even more, which generated even more hate. After a month practising zazen, I started seeing things different: now I suffer about 20% of what I did before. I would also recommend you to semi-isolate yourself for a short period of time (I used to return home at 9 o'clock in the night forthem university, go for a walking, hang out more often with friend etc.)

I hope this to be useful to you. Sorry for my (possibly) wrong English. If you have time, could you tell what is wrong in this message?

[Iansdaddy99]

I would suggest getting Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Anger." Or get the audio CD. There's some excellent information in there such as being a compassionate listener. Great book & CD.