My Daughter

[Fee]

My 7 year old is so unhappy at the moment. I can feel the frustration bubbling inside her. Her behaviour has become massively extreme. Asking her to complete the smallest task brings out a full scale tantrum, she is bursting into tears over nothing and then becoming massively hyper and running around the house bouncing off the walls!

It's been coming for a few weeks, she started by saying she was stupid (she's in second maths group not top maths group and feels this is a disaster), this has escalated into saying she can't get anything right, she is a horrible child and last night she wrote on her chalk board that she hated herself and told me she wanted to die!

I've talked to her, listened and reassured. I've hugged her to sleep the last couple of nights and today I have rung the school and arranged for her to see a counsellor.

As she kept saying she was horrible, I suggested that she start off by trying to be kind to everyone, herself included. I told her that if she found that she wasn't being kind she should just stop what she is doing and start trying to be kind again. I let her know that as long as she was trying her best to be kind that was all that mattered.

I think I am doing the right things. I just don't understand how a 7 year old gets this unhappy. Does anyone have experience of dealing with this age group? Is this sort of behaviour within the boundaries of "normal"?

Thanks for reading
Fee
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[Aloka]

think I am doing the right things. I just don't understand how a 7 year old gets this unhappy. Does anyone have experience of dealing with this age group? Is this sort of behaviour within the boundaries of "normal"?

Hi Fee,

I am a qualified schoolteacher - but for 11 to 18 years not the younger children.

Its possible your daughter is being bullied at school and another child is telling her that she's horrible. She may also feel under some kind of pressure with her peer group in general and is feeling inadequate as a result.

Have you talked to her teachers about it?

It might also be worthwhile having a look at her diet and making sure she doesn't drink soft drinks with caffeine in them and have too much refined sugar, or artificial sweeteners and food colorings. These are said to contribute to hyperactivity and anxiety in children.

I think maybe a little gentle reassurance that you're happy with her just as she is and making sure she doesn't feel under pressure in any way - but I'm sure you're doing that already. Perhaps also taking her out of doors to engage in some physical activites together too, such as swimming or maybe walking in a park together looking at trees, plants, wildlife etc in the changing seasons.


with kind wishes for you and your daughter,

Aloka

[Moonfeet]

Fee, I can really empathise with you. My youngest (who is now 9 and in Year 5) had a dreadful time at that age (as did my eldest daughter too). I'm guessing that she's in Year 2 / 3?? At this stage, the problems arose with the change in curriculum. When they are in Year 1 and fresh out of reception, they are still having a bit of an easy time of it, however there are more expectations placed on them (unfortunately) as they progress through Primary School (far too much in my opinion). Both of mine used to come out of school in tears every day; they would cry before going to school and life was generally quite miserable

I also linked it with where my girls were personally in terms of growing up - maybe she has changed with the way she is playing? That's sometimes a clue that our children are moving on and progressing to other things. This however can bring with it some confusion for them as they will be dealing with emotions that they are not sure how to respond to.

Speak to other parents in her year group - I think you may find they too may be having similar issues (this became apparent on both occasions with mine).

If you suspect there is a peer group issue after speaking with your daughter, then it is well worth bringing it to the attention of the teacher. I was fortunate in that my girls school had educational psychologists attending twice a week to run small groups for each of the year groups for children who were experiencing difficulties, whether it was settling in the class, making / keeping friends, being bullied etc. This also dove-tailed with the school's PSHE curriculum.

I also backed off from asking the girls about their day at school, as I didn't want to feel I was putting them under any pressure by asking (I'm not suggesting that you are doing this). All I kept saying (and still do really) is that should anything be worrying them just to let me know and to keep offering that reassurance (which I'm sure you are doing loads of anyway Fee).

It's never easy as most of the time we are just having to 'feel our way' through the maze of parenting and handle things the best we can.

Thinking of you

[37islove]

i dont have a child but i feel the way she does and sometimes i throw tantrums without being able to control anything i used to be suicidal and i have mental illness. what im wondering is if something happened to her at school? being bullied a serious conflict with a friend or peer. also maybe she should see a psychologist. im not the way i told you i was anymore i have worked long and hard with my psychologist(s) and im totally different than that now. maybe it would be worth while? you dont have to go for the rest of her life just untill she can handle her emotions better

[Fee]

Thanks for the advice Aloka.

I am wondering if there is some bullying going on. The phrases she is using just aren't ones that my husband and I use. I've contacted the school today and they are making her teacher aware and seeing if they can find someone for her to talk to (the family welfare person is poorly today).

Thanks for the suggestions about diet and exercise too. She is normally such a perfect eater and an active little thing that I didn't consider that. Of course she is outside less with the evenings being dark, but now you mention it she hasn't been eating as well as usual lately.

I think its time to make her favourite tea and have some mummy daughter time on the trampoline!

Fee

[37islove]

i hope she feels better soon fee

[Fee]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a lovely reply Moonfeet

It sounds like your daughters attended a fantastic school... My daughter has been talking about what happens in the playground and it certainly has changed. She started a new school in September (we are majority infant and junior schools in our area changing at the beginning of year 3). Although her friendship group has remained the same, you are completely right the group is changing the way it is playing.

It is very reassuring to hear that other children have experienced similar issues at this age. I think your plan of backing off from asking about the day is a good one. I had lots of pressure to deal with at that age and although I try not to do that to my daughter (who cares about maths groups at 7?), it doesn't mean I'm not doing it in ways I don't realise or intend.

It's never easy as most of the time we are just having to 'feel our way' through the maze of parenting and handle things the best we can.

Thank you for helping me to feel my way through the maze today.

Fee

[Fee]

Thanks 37, I hear what you are saying about tantrums! I can totally relate to what you experience and how my daughter is feeling when she throws one. As you say it is about learning to handle her emotions better, no-one should be that upset about being asked to hang up a cardigan (the cause of tantrum 3 last night).

It's as if all of her emotions have suddenly become wildly exaggurated. If she is happy she is super hyper mega happy, and if something displeases her... boom!

We have an employee assistance programme at work, so if things continue the way they are going then I can call them and see if I can get her some help.

I'm pleased that you've been able to work through your issues, thanks for sharing your experiences!

Fee

[srivijaya]

It's been coming for a few weeks, she started by saying she was stupid (she's in second maths group not top maths group and feels this is a disaster), this has escalated into saying she can't get anything right, she is a horrible child and last night she wrote on her chalk board that she hated herself and told me she wanted to die!

Hi Fee,
It certainly sounds like some kind of pressure from school. Maths just seems to be a catalyst. That said, year 2 maths is bizarre (I'm using a 'nice' adjective here) at my kids' school. My lad struggled with it (we had tears) and now my daughter is in the same boat. Some very odd quirky theories and methods being used to the extent that we can hardly help them without making it much worse. They just get even more confused.

Still, that alone doesn't explain your daughter's extreme reactions. I did wonder if some kind of bullying (even exclusion from a group of popular kids) could be to blame? Best talk to the form teacher or some senior management. Most are willing to help nowadays. Spend time talking to her but not necessarily asking direct questions. Some times amazing information just tumbles out by itself.

Good Luck
Kris

[Fee]

Thanks Kris,

I did just that last night, lots of listening and no questioning. Crikey, once I wasn't directing the conversation I learned all kinds of things. I also contacted the school yesterday and her class teacher spoke to her, found out she was sad about playtimes and arranged for her to have a playground buddy. It sounds like this is another girl in her class who feels left out at playtime.

She is still quite extreme in her emotional reactions, but is much better than yesterday. Hopefully once school settles down she will start to feel more positive again. Until then its lots of hugs and Mummy Daughter time. She wants to learn about making graphs from excel spreadsheets this evening... Kids have odd ideas about fun!

Fee
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