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Jacaranda
06 Oct 17, 11:04
Hi all,
I have managed to find a level of peace within myself,that I am content and happy with.Since turning towards Buddhism,I've also learnt alot more about being compassionate.However....I've noticed during these changes in myself,that I have experienced some hostility from other people.Some family members,and work colleaques.I'll include a few examples,of which I've experienced in the last year or so.

(1)My ex manager at work was quite a stressful person.He was getting himself worked up,and agitated at other colleaques mis doings..I sat there,calmly,listening to him.He then raised his voice at me,accusing me of not reacting,not being "Switched on"?When in fact I was listening intently to what he had to say,before I passed comment.

(2)My Mother and siblings live in a different country than me.As my Mother was in poor health,my twin sister,who lives close to her,unfortunately was left to care for her (My Mum had a myriad of health issues,and my twin had to shop for her,and pic up meds,no personal care as such involved).During a phone conversation,my twin became angry due to the added responsibility she had.I told her I understood how she felt,and that as the other siblings were unable to care for our Mum,could we perhaps try and understand that they might be feeling some frustration?My twin just became angrier with me,and ended up,unfortunately hanging up on me.

(3)I am always kind and thoughtful at work,but lately I'm beginning to feel quite sad.Co workers,without any given reason,raise their voice at me,sometimes in a rude aggressive manner.I understand they may be tired (We all work 12 hr shifts)but thats no excuse.

So....can anyone offer me some advice on dealing with people like this?At what point or line do you draw between being compassionate to people,to just not accepting bad behaviour?TIA

Element
06 Oct 17, 12:18
In the types of work situations you have mentioned, it is best to develop a very strong habit of equanimity because the world & the Dhamma are very different. Non-reactiveness is very important because the world can be a very nasty place once you react. For important matters, which probably includes how your boss publicly misrepresented you, it is best to ask your boss to talk privately in a private place and gently yet straightforwardly tell him you were listening intently to him, respect him & wish to do your work duties well. Have a sense of forgiveness before you proceed because these are unhappy people.

As for your sister, she sounds a bit overwhelmed. Try to express gratitude & appreciation for her care for your mother. Maybe send her a gift.

Jacaranda
06 Oct 17, 16:05
Thankyou Element for sharing your thoughts.Sometimes it can feel very challenging to cultivate peace and calmness! I seemed to have developed a "heightened"sense of sensitivity for some reason,but now I'm more aware of it,I can work more towards sorting it out.;D

Aloka
06 Oct 17, 17:23
Hello Jacaranda, this short article by Gil Fronsdal with the title of "Patience"" might be helpful in some way:

Excerpt:



In our busy lives, we may easily overlook the value of patience in our quest for accomplishment, efficiency and fulfillment. When we recognize that clear seeing, peace, compassion and love are quite different from, even incompatible with, compulsive behavior and reactions, the value of patience becomes apparent. Patience entails choosing not to respond reactively, allowing other possibilities to arise; it provides tremendous support for mindfulness practice. Gentle perseverance, patience under insult, and acceptance of truth are three traditional facets of patience that give strength to mindfulness.

Continues at the link:

http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/patience/



and also this one "Liberating Emotions" by Ajahn Sumedho:


We can reflect on the way it is—on this tropical kind of weather, for example. In the attitude of acceptance we can allow ourselves to be receptive to life rather than try to control it, run away from, or resist it. This receptivity contrasts resistance. Culturally, we tend to be conditioned into resisting things. There is a fear of being open and receptive, as if by doing so we shall allow something to take us over. We feel we have to develop some kind of protection in order to keep ourselves from being annihilated or taken advantage of; it is a kind of paranoia of the mind. We may also have the attitude of needing to resist evil, of having to kill the devil and destroy the evil forces.

The Buddhist attitude is one of loving-kindness (metta), of open acceptance of everything as it is. If we take loving-kindness to its ultimate, all conditioned phenomena are accepted for what they are. That doesn’t mean all things are approved of; they are simply accepted.

continues at the link:

https://buddhismnow.com/2011/02/12/liberating-emotions-by-ajahn-sumedho/



:hands:

binocular
06 Oct 17, 19:01
(1)My ex manager at work was quite a stressful person.He was getting himself worked up,and agitated at other colleaques mis doings..I sat there,calmly,listening to him.He then raised his voice at me,accusing me of not reacting,not being "Switched on"?When in fact I was listening intently to what he had to say,before I passed comment.
See the image I attached.


(2)My Mother and siblings live in a different country than me.As my Mother was in poor health,my twin sister,who lives close to her,unfortunately was left to care for her (My Mum had a myriad of health issues,and my twin had to shop for her,and pic up meds,no personal care as such involved).During a phone conversation,my twin became angry due to the added responsibility she had.I told her I understood how she felt,and that as the other siblings were unable to care for our Mum,could we perhaps try and understand that they might be feeling some frustration?My twin just became angrier with me,and ended up,unfortunately hanging up on me.
What do you find wrong or strange about that?


(3)I am always kind and thoughtful at work,but lately I'm beginning to feel quite sad.Co workers,without any given reason,raise their voice at me,sometimes in a rude aggressive manner.I understand they may be tired (We all work 12 hr shifts)but thats no excuse.
Do you know what your coworkers think of you? Perhaps they see you as passive and unreliable, which would explain the way they behave toward you.

Jacaranda
06 Oct 17, 20:43
Hello Jacaranda, this short article by Gil Fronsdal with the title of "Patience"" might be helpful in some way:

Excerpt:



and also this one "Liberating Emotions" by Ajahn Sumedho:



:hands:

Thankyou Aloka,much appreciated.x

Jacaranda
06 Oct 17, 20:53
Binocular:Nothing wrong or strange in my sister feeling angry re my Mum.I did all I could.I took an unpaid 3 mth career break,to travel back to Australia to help look after Mum.It meant leaving my husband and other family behind here in the UK.It also took a huge amount of our savings.I can't go into anymore details,as alot more happened at that time than I've actually disclosed.
As far as work colleaques go,not sure why they would find me unreliable?I work hard,turn up for my shifts etc.I think its just the enviroment we all work in.Alot of people come and go,due to long hours,bullyish culture etc.As far as my own work goes,I'm doing well that way.Was just given an award,and a payrise,so I guess I must be doing something right.

Element
07 Oct 17, 01:16
Thankyou Element for sharing your thoughts.Sometimes it can feel very challenging to cultivate peace and calmness!
Thank you J. My post was not made lightly because I have had lots of serious challenges in work places. It is "very challenging", as you said, particularly if the income is needed. I left my job 2.5 years ago but fortunately had (just enough) sufficient financial assets to be prepared to leave. It can be like Mara out there. Bullying, including collective bullying ('mobbing') is common for those who don't 100% fit it or conform to increasing authoritarian workplace culture. Best wishes. :peace:

binocular
07 Oct 17, 10:35
Binocular:Nothing wrong or strange in my sister feeling angry re my Mum.I did all I could.I took an unpaid 3 mth career break,to travel back to Australia to help look after Mum.It meant leaving my husband and other family behind here in the UK.It also took a huge amount of our savings.I can't go into anymore details,as alot more happened at that time than I've actually disclosed.
Family issues are not rarely difficult to navigate ...


As far as work colleaques go,not sure why they would find me unreliable?
If one focuses on being calm and compassionate, this can to other people make one look weak, and as if one would lack committment, passion, and as such be unreliable. Or one could be perceived as haughty. It seems that to many people, a person's actual productivity at work is secondary, and what seems to matter more is the image that they believe that the person projects of themselves.

I've experienced this myself, and also with medical issues. The doctors just didn't take me seriously because I apparently didn't whine and complain enough. When after several months of my pleading for help, they finally performed some tests, they repeated them because they couldn't believe that someone with such bad results could still walk around and be as composed as I was. (The second time around, the results were even worse.)


I work hard,turn up for my shifts etc.I think its just the enviroment we all work in.Alot of people come and go,due to long hours,bullyish culture etc.As far as my own work goes,I'm doing well that way.Was just given an award,and a payrise,so I guess I must be doing something right.
Good for you, then.

Your avatar suggests that you are from a Mahayana/Vajrayana tradition? In these traditions, there are actually many books written on how to deal with troubles at work.
For example, you might find Michael Carroll (https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Carroll/e/B001JP9PAG)'s books useful.

Jacaranda
07 Oct 17, 12:23
Thankyou Element.Yes definately challenging.Unfortunately I'm 11 yrs off from retirement.I am presently looking at other employment possibilities,as I don't see my present work enviroment changing any time soon.I know exactly where you're coming from though.It really makes me wonder how some people conduct themselves at home!

Binocular:I have a better understanding now re your thoughts on work.I guess if you're not in that "loop"of practising meditation etc,and you come across people who don't automatically get themselves wound up over work issues,you might look at those as weak and not passionate.I witnessed recently,a boss at work (I was observing from a distance,so not directly involved)literally shouting at co workers until he was red faced?Ridiculous behaviour at work.He happened to see me looking at him,with a dead pan expression on my face,and looked away,probably due to embarrassment!lol

Sorry to hear of your health woes.I hope you are as comfortable as you can be.I just recently experienced this myself so totally understand where you're coming from.Best wishes and I hope you health is improving.

Genecanuck
07 Oct 17, 12:48
Thankyou Element for sharing your thoughts.Sometimes it can feel very challenging to cultivate peace and calmness! I seemed to have developed a "heightened"sense of sensitivity for some reason,but now I'm more aware of it,I can work more towards sorting it out.;D

Hello Jacaranda,

Your situation with your family reminds me of a some drama that I am experiencing with my brother at the moment. I read the Gil Fronsdal article that Aloka referenced (Many thanks Aloka) and this excerpt really resonated with me....

Excerpt on article about Patience

The ultimate perfection of patience does not come from endurance or a re-evaluation of a situation. Rather it comes from the absence of our habitual, automatic triggers and reactive hooks to the challenges of life. Fully mature patience is effortless; it is not a doing at all.

Once an angry man insulted the Buddha. The Buddha simply asked the man if people ever visited him in his home. Surprised at the change of topic, the man answered yes. The Buddha then asked if his visitors ever brought gifts. When the man replied yes again, the Buddha asked what would happen if he refused to accept the gifts? Who would the gifts belong to then? The man said that, of course, they would still belong to those who brought them. The Buddha then calmly and, I imagine, kindly said, “In the same way, since I do not accept your insults, they remain with you.”

Since the ultimate patience is effortless, perhaps the opposite of impatience is not patience but rather contentment. By not chasing after the whims of the ego, we have the chance to discover a deep contentment that manifests in our life as great patience.

http://www.insightmeditationcenter.o...cles/patience/

Wishing you peace today Jacaranda

Regards

Gene

Genecanuck
07 Oct 17, 13:29
Hello Jacaranda, this short article by Gil Fronsdal with the title of "Patience"" might be helpful in some way:

Excerpt:



and also this one "Liberating Emotions" by Ajahn Sumedho:



:hands:

Aloka, Many thanks for sharing the Liberating Emotions article by Ajahn Sumedho. I am grateful for his insight and wisdom.

Regards

Gene