View Full Version : Suffering

15 Feb 15, 01:12
So I've been filled with a bit of resentment which we all know is a heavy weight to carry.
I had the opportunity to confront my feelings and say how I was feeling but I thought my words are going to cause suffering to the person. So I said nothing.
Now Im left with anger that I should of said what's on my mind then I would not feel so heavy.

So I found my self trying to meditate and let go of it all. It's an unnecessary weight to hold on to.
But where I'm stuck is I feel like I need to get things off my chest in order to let go.

So do I make the other person suffer with my load by saying what's on my mind or do I continue to meditate and try to let go.

What would Buddha do?

15 Feb 15, 05:12
Hi Laura,:wave:

You haven't actually given us the reason for your feelings of resentment towards this other person. In general, I would recommend doing daily Metta practice for oneself and others.

Here are 3 resources:

Karaniya Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Loving-Kindness:


Universal Loving Kindness by Ajahn Sumedho:


Five minute Metta instruction with Ajahn Jayasaro:


I hope that helps.

With kind wishes,


15 Feb 15, 05:52
It's hard for me to decide if I think you should talk to this person or not without a little more detail. However, I think communication is generally a good idea.

15 Feb 15, 16:50
Hi Laura

The Buddha said "Monks, a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people. Which five?

"It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good-will.

"A statement endowed with these five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people."


It seems that your actions were in line with Buddha 's teachings

Best wishes

15 Feb 15, 18:21
... It's an unnecessary weight to hold on to.

But where I'm stuck is I feel like I need to get things off my chest in order to let go.

I'm sure I wouldn't know what Buddha would do. He probably would have been without resentment in the first place.

In the Book Group, we have just been reading about emotions. (Link to Chapter 14 discussion) (http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/showthread.php?5769-Chapter-14-Mindfulness-of-Emotions&p=69942#post69942).

It reminds me to say that if you become fully aware of your resentment, you may reach the understanding that it arises in your mind, as all emotions do. It may have begun with a moment of injustice, unfairness, poor manners, but that event lasted only a short time. After that, you felt the emotion and it continued in your mind as your own suffering.

It may sound odd at first, but a good way forward is to wish loving kindness to yourself, and wish the same loving kindness to all the people around you, and wish loving kindness to the person who is the focus of your resentment. This is what is meant by doing Metta practice every day. I heartily recommend the links in Aloka's post.

If I may give you an example from my own experience: There was a time when I was harbouring a great deal of anger inside me. At the time I was fortunate enough to be attending a weekly meditation group. When Metta practice was done by the group, I didn't feel a thing, I couldn't join in, so I remained silent and glowering to myself. But after many weeks, I noticed that I was joining in, wishing love and kindness to myself and to others. It dissipated all the anger that had been inside me, even though at first I thought it was useless.

So do give it a try. Approach it sincerely and honestly. I don't think you need to have a showdown with anyone. All you need to do is adjust the reality within you.


20 Feb 15, 14:57
Show us this heavy weight that you carry.

Don't be burdened by something that doesn't exist.


22 Feb 15, 17:47
To try and cut a long story short,
Once my daughter was born I moved 100miles away from my family to live with her father as that would be the only way they would see each other.

So you can imagine I would feel like I need help and more attention from him and I would not be getting any from any one I know.

He never stepped up as a father, so even though I was happy to get on with it and be a great mum it's made me resent him as I left my mother and family who were happy to help me with a new baby.

So as she's got older it's got easier and I've accepted how things are but as we never addressed that he was lacking in help it's always been there at the back of my mind as harboured feelings against him.

And again, as I know no one where I live and disn't get the chance to do much as I had a baby on my arm I relied on him to make me happy and give me attention which made him pull away even more.so I've just felt stuck, with child and lonely.

This all leads to why I said should I confront or not as so much feelings would lead to a heated argument.

But since I've been studying Buddhism I've learn that it's up to me to make myself happy.
So anyway I did confront him, nothing's changed, accept my attitude & how I feel. I wake up each day and make my own happiness and memories. I'm trying to find the positives in everything so thanks all for your advice.

22 Feb 15, 21:24
Lauraamnvt life is too short to be unhappy.

Best wishes


23 Feb 15, 17:00
I have been considering suffering in a new light after hearing a teacher say yesterday that suffering arises from my thoughts and interpretation of a situation, rather than the situation itself. This is causing some questioning in me about my own suffering. Is it my thoughts and interpretations of my situations? Is it really the situation, do I need to change the situation. or is it my thoughts and my interpretation of my situation creating the dark cloud. The teacher who was talking about this was Eckhardt Tolle on a YouTube video

23 Feb 15, 17:12
I'm trying to find the positives in everything so thanks all for your advice.

Its good to know that you're being so positive, Laura - sending you lots of good wishes


The teacher who was talking about this was Eckhardt Tolle on a YouTube video

Eckhart Tolle isn't a Buddhist teacher, Heartflute.

The fact that there is suffering (dukkha) is the first of The Four Noble Truths taught by the Buddha. "Dukkha" can also be translated as "discontent" and "unsatisfactoriness"

More about the Four Noble Truths from Ajahn Sumedho here:


From the section on the First Noble Truth:


I encourage you to try to understand dukkha: to really look at, stand under and accept your suffering. Try to understand it when you are feeling physical pain or despair and anguish or hatred and aversion - whatever form it takes, whatever quality it has, whether it is extreme or slight. This teaching does not mean that to get enlightened you have to be utterly and totally miserable. You do not have to have everything taken away from you or be tortured on the rack; it means being able to look at suffering, even if it is just a mild feeling of discontent, and understand it.

It is easy to find a scapegoat for our problems. ‘If my mother had really loved me or if everyone around me had been truly wise, and fully dedicated towards providing a perfect environment for me, then I would not have the emotional problems I have now.’ This is really silly! Yet that is how some people actually look at the world, thinking that they are confused and miserable because they did not get a fair deal.

But with this formula of the First Noble Truth, even if we have had a pretty miserable life, what we are looking at is not that suffering which comes from out there, but what we create in our own minds around it.

This is an awakening in a person - an awakening to the Truth of suffering. And it is a Noble Truth because it is no longer blaming the suffering that we are experiencing on others. Thus, the Buddhist approach is quite unique with respect to other religions because the emphasis is on the way out of suffering through wisdom, freedom from all delusion, rather than the attainment of some blissful state or union with the Ultimate.

(Continued at the link given above)


24 Feb 15, 17:38
Actually when I reach certain point in walking the path, I am grateful for all the sufferings I had in life. They are my teachers to make me reach where I am now. The hard parts are seeing and accepting the Dukkha in happiness though they are two of the same coin.

Anyhow if these issues ever arise, I would usually try to think why I need to suffer multiple times myself. As person who did unfairness to us only 1 time (a chapter of our life), but we replay the VDO in our head several times multiplying the suffering, so burden one self.

Wish you can wake up everyday being happy as it is truly your own choice&right, hope you able to let's go of the sufferings in your mind.