letting go of intimacy

[StephenC]

letting go of intimacy in a long term relationship is hard, well it has been for me anyway. My partner of 20 years has no interest in physical intimacy, we have a strong emotional and intellectual bond, but she lost all physical desire after she started to become ill 15 years ago.

When we met I had made a decision that I could live without intimacy. I never realized how mislead I have been by thought. The last 15 years have been a torture on the level of desire...it is easy to say let go, doing it in a relationship is another level of practice altogether, in my opinion. Only now, as I turn 64 is it getting a little easier. I look in the mirror and see an old man there, his knees ache, he has sleep issues, he is a little over weight and arthritis is a daily companion, oh the joys of aging...:-)

Well actually there are many joys to aging, the body's path is not one of them.

What I have noticed is that if I do not meditate daily, then mindfulness is weak. I can "think" it will be ok, but that is thought again, untrustworthy villain, lol. Desire can rise at anytime, luckily with physical pain as a reminder, desire quickly fades as the reality of the body is felt.

It is funny really, when I started meditating in my late 20's it was so difficult to focus on the body, now it demands most of my attention, and I have learned that most of the Dhamma is contained in this fathom long carcass, the challenge is to stay awake...

may we all be peacefull and happy...

Stephen

[Aloka]

letting go of intimacy in a long term relationship is hard, well it has been for me anyway. My partner of 20 years has no interest in physical intimacy, we have a strong emotional and intellectual bond, but she lost all physical desire after she started to become ill 15 years ago.

When we met I had made a decision that I could live without intimacy. I never realized how mislead I have been by thought. The last 15 years have been a torture on the level of desire. ...it is easy to say let go, doing it in a relationship is another level of practice altogether, in my opinion. Only now, as I turn 64 is it getting a little easier
.

Hi Stephen,

I think in general, this is often a problem in relationships with many older couples, because women can lose interest in sex after the menopause when their reproductive years are over - and men can continue to get sexually aroused for the duration of their lifespan. This is why in the animal kingdom, as part of their natural reproductive behaviour, the males usually mate with the younger, most fertile females of the species to produce stronger offspring.


What I have noticed is that if I do not meditate daily, then mindfulness is weak. I can "think" it will be ok, but that is thought again, untrustworthy villain, lol. Desire can rise at anytime, luckily with physical pain as a reminder, desire quickly fades as the reality of the body is felt

I think if sexual desire is causing difficulties for you, then it would be a good idea to be honest with your wife about it if you already have a strong bond with each other - & then make arrangements to talk to your doctor together, to see if he has any helpful suggestions.

If that isn't possible, perhaps you could consider seeking some advice from an experienced Buddhist teacher.


Wishing you well,

with kind regards,

Aloka :hands:

[clw_uk]

Thank you for sharing, your reflections on old age and change I found very insightful. It shows how there is a danger in claiming this body to be "me".


Thank you :)


As for your reflections on sexual desire, I can empathise. I am practicing celibacy myself, and while my situation is different (I have no partner) I can understand the frustration that sexual urges can cause.


My only advice is to look at this frustration as a teaching experience. If it wasn't for experiencing dukkha, we wouldn't know the way out. The key is how we skilfully approach the frustration. We can either be ignorant and can push it away or hold to it, or we can be wise and simply observe it :)


All the best

[StephenC]

Thank you for this post...

not an easy path, but that is how things are...:-)

all the best,

Stephen

[Aloka]

Stephen has now left the group because of health issues.

Wishing him good health & happiness. :hands: