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Stilllearning27
17 Dec 13, 05:26
Hello,

My Japanese wife has told me it would be acceptable to find a girlfriend. This has come after 6 years of frustration at what, suffice to say, are two vastly differing opinions on what a "normal sex life" is. She is capable of doing without, it would seem. And I am not. It is quite common in this country (Japan) for such arrangements to be made but I feel it would be smart to get the opinion of other practitioners. I love the Dharma and wish to continue working toward enlightenment throughout this life and those to come but living as a householder, dealing with the stresses of the world, and the urges/energies of a male body without the calm provided by the occasional intimate moment with a woman are starting to wear on my psychologically. I feel it more and more difficult to control the anger/depression of it all and fear wasting this life in negativity and possibly facing a lower rebirth for it.

I am willing to take my wife up on her advice and just keep it quiet with an understanding woman (and there are a number of them in this culture) but I don't want to create trouble for my practice. She was explicit and sincere in telling me to find another woman but: is it still sexual misconduct if I have her permission and the other woman's understanding?

My understanding of the precept of sexual misconduct seems a little vague on this point and I have been able to find no resources either condemning or allowing it...

Element
17 Dec 13, 08:21
Welcome SL27

Buddha's teachings about sexual misconduct certainly left some 'loopholes', possibly for such situations. Buddha taught:


He avoids sexual misconduct and abstains from it. He has no intercourse with such persons as are still under the protection of father, mother, brother, sister or relatives, nor with married women, nor with female convicts, nor lastly, with betrothed girls.

AN 10.176 (http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an10/an10.176.than.html)

Whilst you may possibly prefer to have sex with your wife, since such a relationship improves our spiritual development, it seems Buddha may have left scope for concubines & similar social practises of his time.

Kind regards

Element

;D

Aloka
18 Dec 13, 13:49
She was explicit and sincere in telling me to find another woman but: is it still sexual misconduct if I have her permission and the other woman's understanding?


Welcome SL,

I think that if your wife is definately happy to do this and not saying it because she doesn't want to lose you, then maybe its ok if the other woman isn't married/involved with someone else, or under age etc. However, things could eventually get complicated - your wife might become jealous and feel neglected, the other woman might become demanding and so on.


This has come after 6 years of frustration at what, suffice to say, are two vastly differing opinions on what a "normal sex life" is. She is capable of doing without, it would seem. And I am not.

Do you feel any genuine love for your wife? I'm wondering if you have made any effort to try to please her sexually and have patiently investigated different techniques and methods which might arouse her and give her pleasure. Not all men remember to take their partner's pleasure into consideration.

Creating a gentle, loving, 'romantic' atmosphere when you are together could also be helpful.

However, this is definately not the place to start discussing sexual techniques, so I'll say no more.

Kind regards,

Aloka :hands:

Stilllearning27
19 Dec 13, 23:48
Hello Element and Aloka,

Thank you both for your replies. They are very much appreciated.
To answer your question, Aloka, yes, I have made efforts over the years. But to be honest, I have also let my frustration get the better of me on a few occasions.

For a number of years she was more or less uncommunative about it all and didn't seem to appreciate how it was affecting our relationship (at least from my side) but that has changed. At least we can talk about things now. But given the time that has passed it almost feels now that we are friends more than lovers. We also have two young boys which changes the focus of things quite a bit not to mention ye olde together time.
It is still a solid partnership and I do love her and her family but the underlying struggle (despite the occasional intimacy) remains for me. In fact it is difficult to occupy my mind with anything else and I find that so hard/sad considering how short and precious this human life is.

Aloka
20 Dec 13, 01:43
We also have two young boys which changes the focus of things quite a bit not to mention ye olde together time
This is usually the case with all couples with children and especially if the mothers do most of the caring for them because it can be exhausting.


It is still a solid partnership and I do love her and her family but the underlying struggle (despite the occasional intimacy) remains for me. In fact it is difficult to occupy my mind with anything else and I find that so hard/sad considering how short and precious this human life is

She is the mother of your children and presumably you are a practising Buddhist, so perhaps you should try to focus on her needs instead of your own for a change and then maybe things will improve. Her life and the life of your young children are precious too.

Perhaps you could also seek some marriage guidance therapy together. I don't have anything other than that to suggest, sorry.

The Buddha said:




Husband & wife, both of them
having conviction,
being responsive,
being restrained,
living by the Dhamma,
addressing each other
with loving words:
they benefit in manifold ways.
To them comes bliss.
Their enemies are dejected
when both are in tune in virtue.
Having followed the Dhamma here in this world,
both in tune in precepts & practices,
they delight in the world of the devas,
enjoying the pleasures they desire"

(AN 4.55)

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.055.than.html


Kind regards,

Aloka

Elderflower
25 Dec 13, 01:06
Hi SL27,
Perhaps this is an opportunity to look at your desire and choose to not let it control you but choose to let it go instead, this way you would not have to worry about getting a girlfriend and also would be having more mastery over your mind at the same time, I've tried this with things I thought I needed but didn't really and it worked, so it might just work for you also.
All the best,
Elderflower.