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Aztek
03 Apr 13, 03:42
Hello all, I've been married to my wife for two years, when we first met I am shamed to say that I only got togeather with her for sex. She was the first person I slept with and my first girlfriend. It was never my intention to stay with her long but I ended up falling for her really bad. She is a greate person who is incredibly intelligent and loveing, she has helped me over come many of my issues such as alcoholism and incredibly low self esteem. I some how just let myself get deeper and deeper into a relationship I dident want. We got married and I've been liveing a life where I do everything for her. I never asked her to get a job or learn to drive or help me with chores the five years that we have been liveing togeather.

A few months ago we took a marriage and familly class togeather that resurfaced all the stuff I was burying deep inside, such as not knowing if I love her or not ( I feel indifferent towards her some times.) and I also met a person at my new job who I have fallen in love with, but I know that I will not be happy with her and I know I will make my wife suffer if I leave her for another woman.

I have been suffering for a long time, and Buddhism is the only thing that seems to help. I know very little about Buddhism but what I have learned has help me ease my mind. I've been considering leaveing my wife to find out what will bring me Peace of mind and happiness. That is the only thing I have wanted for a long time. Can some one please help me?

Element
03 Apr 13, 05:26
She is a greate person who is incredibly intelligent and loveing, she has helped me over come many of my issues such as alcoholism and incredibly low self esteem.

I also met a person at my new job who I have fallen in love with, but I know that I will not be happy with her and I know I will make my wife suffer if I leave her for another woman.
hi Aztek

in Buddhism, 'love' refers to friendship, compassion, appreciation, gratitude & similar qualities. Your wife has been your true friend. I can only recommend to reflect deeply about that. Your wife has helped you by showing you love & helping you overcome your problems. I can only recommend to reflect deeply about that & develop deep gratitude.

It is natural you were attracted towards your wife originally due to sex. This is nothing to be ashamed about. But the process of relationship results in obtaining many good qualities that are not about sex, such as your receiving love & overcoming your self-esteem & alcohol problems. That your gratitude towards this is weak is something you should be concerned with (i.e., 'ashamed about').

With metta

Element

:peace:


(As for the person in your new job, this appears to be lust rather than love).

Aztek
03 Apr 13, 17:48
Element, everything you stated is something that I already knew. I have been reflecting deeply on how much my wife has given to me, we have both helped each other grow and overcome tremendously. I know that this girl at work is just lust, and I will soon be transfers to a different job site in order to keep away fr her.

I am here asking for help because this isn't the first time I've felt like leaveing my wife, since day one I have felt like something wasent right about being with her, and those last 4 months thigs have gotten worse. I'm here asking for help because I want to silence my mind and just be happy with what I have. I don't know where to start or what to do.

Aloka
03 Apr 13, 18:07
I am here asking for help because this isn't the first time I've felt like leaveing my wife, since day one I have felt like something wasent right about being with her, and those last 4 months thigs have gotten worse.

I'm here asking for help because I want to silence my mind and just be happy with what I have. I don't know where to start or what to do.

Welcome Aztek,

We're not counsellors, or Buddhist teachers here at BWB, we're a group of lay Buddhists in different stages of understanding and practice who discuss the Buddha's teachings together.

It might be a good idea to have a look to see if there are any Buddhist groups you can join in your local area.

The meditation resources thread in our Study Links near the bottom of the main forums page might also be helpful for you.

http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/showthread.php?356-Buddhist-Meditation&p=40131#post40131

Hope thing work out for you and your wife,

With kind wishes,

Aloka :hands:

Aztek
03 Apr 13, 20:02
Thank you Aloka.

Element
03 Apr 13, 22:13
this isn't the first time I've felt like leaveing my wife, since day one I have felt like something wasent right about being with her, and those last 4 months thigs have gotten worse.
Thanks Aztek

Buddha recommended there are four qualities necessary for marriage:

1. honesty (sacca)

2. continual training in self-improvement (dama)

3. patience endurance (kanti)

4. generosity sacrifice (caga)

You may possibly consider being open & honest with your wife and possibly arrange some formal counselling for both of you.

With metta

Element

:peace:

Nimitta
04 Apr 13, 06:17
I also met a person at my new job who I have fallen in love with


Are you having an affair with this other woman, now or in the past?

Aztek
04 Apr 13, 07:32
No I am not, I just really made a connection with her. She is a girl with many health and depression issues. She started to talk to me about her problems, and we became close friends. But i haven't been able to stop thinking about her and it's driveing me nuts. That's why I'm transferring this next week. I know an affair would just destroy my wife, and that is something I would never want to do to any one. Some times I can't help wanting to be with the other woman, but I'm really hoping that time away from her will make me forget her.

Thank you for the advise Element, Ill see about the counseling. I have reached a point in my life where I am questioning what I really want to do with it. I thought that marriage was what would keep me happy, but I've been haveing these doubts for a long time. And this person at work has really made things worse. I don't want to hurt any one, and at the same time be happy. I'm goin to take Alokas advice and try to find a Buddhist group. Thank you all for takeing the time.

Nimitta
04 Apr 13, 07:45
No I am not, I just really made a connection with her.

This is called an Emotional Affair and it is a betrayal to the marriage. You have received excellent advice so far and I would like to strongly recommend you take Element's advice and seek marriage counseling. You need to be completely honest with your wife about what is going on. It is much better for her to find out from you, then discovering it on her own. She is very vulnerable right now and needs to make informed decisions about her life based on the current reality. Put yourself in her place...If she were in love with someone else right now, wouldn't you want to know about it?

Aztek
04 Apr 13, 07:56
Yes, you are correct nimitta, it scares me but I have to do what's right.

Element
04 Apr 13, 11:52
I don't want to hurt any one...
in Buddhism, this is our main consideration, to not hurt any one. i wish you the best Aztek

with metta :heart: