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CMP
02 Apr 13, 15:52
First off, please forgive me if this is in the wrong forum, but I'm very new here.

The reason I ask a buddhist to help me is because I've found the philosophy to be so helpful in my life thus far, and meditation has really helped. But this seems to be one situation which I feel I may not be able to handle without great sadness and grief. I think it stems from attachment, but I'm a bit unsure how to let go.

I'm in my freshman year of college, enjoying it very much, but 2 years ago I met a girl online from New York. I live in Alabama, so though I found this girl attractive and enjoyed talking to her, I obviously never pursued a relationship because I thought it wouldn't work being long distance.

Well we ended up becoming really close last summer. I had some health issues and had to have surgery, and it was kind of a lonely time for me, but she was there to talk every day. It made me feel so much better. We began talking on skype and other webcam shows very frequently, sometimes for like 4-5 hours. We've been doing that ever since June. We talk every day.

She's made me really happy, been there for me when no one else was, and we do tell each other that we love one another. We can't meet right now because of financial situations. We aren't "officially" in a relationship, but you might as well call it that.

The problem is that she's a really great singer, and that's what she loves doing. She's amazing. In fact, she won a talent show in her town recently. Being in New York, there's lots of opportunities. She sometimes goes to "open mic" night or whatnot to sing for people, and they love her. She auditioned for America's Got Talent back in February, and she's waiting for them to call back.

My concern is that if she really gets going with this music career that she'll have no more time for me, or that she'll just move on. I know buddhism says that things are constantly changing and not to have attachments. But it's difficult because I feel as if she's what's filling up some void in my life. It would be difficult to go a day without hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, or telling her how much I love her. It would be even more painful that everyone else in the world gets to watch her on television, but her and I can't have the closeness we once had. If she's famous, there's almost no chance that we stay in touch.

Ultimately, I want her to be happy, because I really do love her. So if she becomes too busy or something, I have to accept that. But as a buddhist, what advice would you give me for now? Because this is something that worries me every day. I can physically feel it. The worry sometimes causes me to break down in tears in the middle of the day. :(

Thank you so much to anyone who can help.

freeman
02 Apr 13, 20:03
Well, i don't call myself a buddhist. But nevertheless let my try to respond, please. The historical Gotama Buddha himself would have responded to your question just by saying "Quit that girl. Quit relationships to girls or women in general, because it is an obstical on your way to freedom from suffering". Gotama was an ascetic and monk in his whole personal lifestyle for shure. But you are not a monk, you are a lay follower i guess. And from this perspective Gotama might have answered "Avoid relationships that cause suffering for you and/or others. Don't cling to women or any other person in a way that you loose your own freedom. Don't hinge on somebody else."

To "fall in love" with somebody is different from to "love somebody". To me, falling in love is like a bad cold. Its like searching mother or father, its a wonderfull projection. Its like searching safe ground on somebody outside myself. It is a romantic dream originated in western courtly love. It is the story of Tristan and Isolde, like in the good old Hollywood movies. When i feel that i can't be happy without the person i fell in love with, i am addicted to that person, i am no longer free then.

So let her do what makes her happy, let her sing and do the things she loves to do. Otherwise she will run away soon. Music is some of the most jealous things everB) I'm talking from my own experience here, i play some guitar. So just let her do the thing she loves- otherwise you will loose her soon anyway:) To let her do the things she loves is actually real love. And do what you love to do. Or try to find something to fill that hole in yourself. To have found the last ground in yourself, not in other people- that is the best precondition to attract other peoples love i guess.


Trust in yourself- thats my respond to your question.

Greetings and best wishes!

clw_uk
02 Apr 13, 20:40
Ultimately, I want her to be happy, because I really do love her. So if she becomes too busy or something, I have to accept that. But as a buddhist, what advice would you give me for now? Because this is something that worries me every day. I can physically feel it. The worry sometimes causes me to break down in tears in the middle of the day.

Relationships come and go. Even If you ended up marrying her one day it will end when one of you dies.


My advice would be to meditate and be mindful of what you are feeling. Dont push away the feelings or embrace them just observe them for what they are ... anicca, dukkha and anatta



"Visākhā, those who have a hundred dear ones have a hundred sufferings. Those who have ninety dear ones have ninety sufferings. Those who have eighty... seventy... sixty... fifty... forty... thirty... twenty... ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... Those who have one dear one have one suffering. Those who have no dear ones have no sufferings. They are free from sorrow, free from stain, free from lamentation, I tell you."

Then, on realizing the significance of that, the Blessed One on that occasion exclaimed:


The sorrows, lamentations,
the many kinds of suffering in the world,
exist dependent on something dear.
They don't exist
when there's nothing dear.
And thus blissful & sorrowless
are those for whom nothing
in the world is anywhere dear.
So one who aspires
to the stainless & sorrowless
shouldn't make anything
dear
in the world
anywhere.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/ud/ud.8.08.than.html

Dusty2289
03 Apr 13, 04:38
I am an odd person to give advice here. I actually think I broke off most of my serious relationships and have actively pursued not having a relationship out of my latent Buddhist beliefs, which are now blatant.

The thing is you really don't have much you can do here. If the relationship is unstable, its unstable. People think they have control over whether it lasts, like what if I said this or that. Mostly that isn't the case. Our minds change constantly both your mind and the mind of a lover. Relationships aren't really very stable at all, on account of the instability of our mind and its preferences and desires.

So if I were you, in that I didn't convince myself that relationships aren't worth it, but was Buddhist. I'd stop worrying about it. This relationship is something that causes happiness (probably unhappiness too), but you view it as something that causes happiness. I have moments in meditation where I become so happy and my mind feels so clear. And every time I have to tell myself this is impermanent. And as always a day, or a week, or a month passes and I find myself with an unhappy mind, unclear, requiring a lot of mindfulness to not be taken away with. There is little difference between this and that. This relationship will cause unhappiness whether it is in its eventual ceasing or in accordance with the changing of the minds of its members. Accept it, if you think that the happiness is worth hanging on to that is your choice. But if it ends remember that this is how it is, this is how our minds are, this is attachment, and this is stress and suffering on account of attachment.

Then you'll have your own challenges. Who knows how you'll handle them.

hippopig
03 Apr 13, 15:57
Hi, there was this short story i not sure whether u had heard be4 or not, nonetheless i would like to share with u.
there was this young man whose sweetheart had married to another man, he was so depressed that he became so sick that he could neither eat nor drink, one day he was almost on the verge of dying and no doctor could cured him, his parents then seek help from a monk, this monk then used his power to show the man in his dream wat actually happended in the previous life. in his dream the man find himself walking on a beach, then he saw a corpse of a lady whom had been brutally raped without any clothes on, this man then used some leaves and cloth to cover the body of this corpse, after this then man suddenly woke up and understand the intention of the monk, he asked the monk y didnt she marry him, then monk answered "u helped her, therefore she became yr sweetheart and repay u with her love, but she is marrying the guy who buried her. the man then understand the effect of karma and recovered... indeed, wats yrs will be yrs and vice versa, in buddhism we believed husband n wife are tied by fate where parents n children are tied by debt.

Aloka
03 Apr 13, 16:12
then monk answered "u helped her, therefore she became yr sweetheart and repay u with her love, but she is marrying the guy who buried her. the man then understand the effect of karma and recovered... indeed, wats yrs will be yrs and vice versa, in buddhism we believed husband n wife are tied by fate where parents n children are tied by debt.

Welcome hippopig,

This is just supersition because the Buddha said that the precise working out of the results of kamma are unconjecturable.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.077.than.html

Could you not use phone-text writing in your posts here, please? Some of our members don't have English as their first language. (See Code of Conduct number 10)

Many thanks,

Aloka

yogiii
08 Apr 13, 14:27
>>"If she's famous, there's almost no chance that we stay in touch."

I wouldn't advise you to quit her. Just let go of trying to control her ;). It's a gamble, let it go by itself. Sometimes the more you try to grab it the more it will try to run away.

All the best!

Trilaksana
08 Apr 13, 18:45
I think you've been given some good advice so far. But you should bring this up with her. Be open with her and tell her how you feel. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship in my experience. I think you should tell her what you told us.