Removing Grudges

[Aloka]

Dear friends,

Do you find that its difficult getting rid of grudges that you may have developed towards others - or not ?

How do you deal constructively with feelings of resentment which might arise towards another person or group of people?

I'd be interested in hearing people's thoughts and experiences in this area.


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[srivijaya]

It can be a tough nut to crack. Seeing that carrying a grudge around is more stressful than letting it go helps to loosen the habitual nurturing of them.http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/images/smilies/hands.gif

[Pink_trike]

How do you deal constructively with feelings of resentment which might arise towards another person or group of people?

I've had an active death contemplation practice for decades and apply it when I sense reactive resentment energy rising. I consciously visualize both myself and the other person on our death beds, dealing with that reality. This has the effect of:

- reminding me where we both are ( appearing as a part of a whirly vortex of change and uncertainty in the form of fragile flesh and blood and wild minds)

- ...and what time it is (this moment, which could be the last or near last moment for either of us).

This brings my perspective back to the heart (my heart) of the matter, and dissolves the resentment. I'm then able to see the person and the circumstances with more clarity and less reactivity.

[steve1]

Hello Daz,

I appreciate your reminding me that this site is still active. I hope that you are not holding a grudge regarding my absence, especially since I seem to need reminding.

Grudges aye? Well, I don't think one can try not to hold one. I mean, it seems to me that the only away out of a grudge mentality is to try and see the value of a relationship, regardless of the tearing that may have resulted from an odd conversation or behavior. So, one must try to know attachment/love (as odd as that sounds, since attachment and expectation are at the root of the problem) to the other in place of soreness. But I think it takes time to change ones "knee jerk behavior" from resentment to compassion. But grudges are mean little things and really need to be disarmed by mindfullness.

Steve

[Aloka]

I hope that you are not holding a grudge regarding my absence, especially since I seem to need reminding.

Hi Steve,

Nope, just delighted to see you again ! http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/images/smilies/up2.gif

[winnie]

Hi Dazz,

Grudges...i've gone thru this kind of experience and trying to deal with it by trying to withdraw from or avoid being acquainted with that person as much as possible, then it will be less conflict happens.
I'm still not sure whether this attitude is right or wrong?
At present moment, i'm still trying my best to deal with "grudges".

[halfcajun]

Morning Y'all:
When I resent someone, I try to view that person with compassion. I attempt to understand their history, as a means of growing that compassion. If possible, I try to resolve what conflict there is between us. If the person is so toxic that they could be harmful in some fashion, then I wish them metta from afar.
That's the theory. And doable. I wish it was that easy to actually do the work involved. http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/images/smilies/grin.gif
Metta to all!
Bill

[Esho]

Just my two cents,

Resent is something that is kept from a past episode in our lifes. We can understand that the past episode is gone. The circumstances are no more present and the people involved (including us) are gone too. We are not the same people. When this comes to our mind resenmtent starts to loos its tightness, its solid essence in our mind.

In most of the cases resentment was just because circumstances in the person and about the moment. Those are gone, and gone for ever.

Working with this do not necessarily means to go and look for that person again because the resentment can be exposed to painfull rememberings but we can work with ourselves letting go that painfull remembering as we understand that was just because some kind of conditions set the senario for that painful moment. That was part of the happenings of our life and it is gone.

If we discover that we are no more that same person it is reasonable to think that the person with wich we hold the resentment is not the same person too.

If we are told "just let it go" maybe this will not work properly but if we understand that the happening is gone maybe this can help us to soften little by little that resentment.

Things just happen, the happening is gone and we have now only the here and now.

This is not about any quoting. It is just about my personal experience healing some sort of old resentments of a past life.

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[steve1]

Kaarine,
I agree. The notion that the circumstance is gone as the person who caused is no longer the same-is a good way to deal with resentment. In practice, I've found that the lack of expectation, based in the fact that remaing the same (even through physics) is not possible, is very workable and fools the monkey mind. I think it's true that just as egoity/selfishness requires fighting for to remain the same, or it (the skhandas) will simply fall apart, seems to apply to grudges as well.

Steve

[Esho]

from post #9

Hi steve1,

Thanks for your wisefull feedback making the post even more complete,

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[frank]

If we are told "just let it go" maybe this will not work properly but if we understand that the happening is gone maybe this can help us to soften little by little that resentment.

Yes this reads like hands on experience,always better than simply reading the books.
Buddhism is nothing if it's not about experience,always taste it for yourself.

[Esho]

Buddhism is nothing if it's not about experience,always taste it for yourself.

Absolutly frank,

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[Allis]

let them come and go and attach no value and meaning to them, and if one does this consistently and regularly they will disappear after a while all by themselves

[Allis]

from post #2



from post #2

Nobody says that it was easy but without giving it a good try over many weeks you will never find out and may also discover a well kept secret!

Alles Gute und liebe Grüsse.
Allis

[srivijaya]

Nobody says that it was easy but without giving it a good try over many weeks you will never find out and may also discover a well kept secret!

Alles Gute und liebe Grüsse.
Allis

Genau!http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

I'm always intrigued by well kept secrets.

Grüezi